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Americans adore me and will go on adoring me until I say something nice about them.

I have called this principle, by which each slight variation, if useful, is preserved, by the term of Natural Selection.

Would you, my dear young friends, like to be inside with the five wise virgins, or outside, alone and in the dark with the five foolish ones?

People say I've had brushes with the law. That's not true. I've had brushes with overzealous prosecutors.


Friends are those rare people who ask how we are and then wait to hear the answer.

A hole had just appeared in the Galaxy. It was exactly a nothingth of a second long, a nothingth of an inch wide, and quite a lot of million light years from end to end. As it closed up […] Two hundred and thirty-nine thousand lightly fried eggs fell out of it…materializing in a large woobly heap on the famine-struck land of Poghril in the Pansel system. The whole Poghril tribe had died out from famine except for one last man who died of cholesterol poisoning some weeks later.

May no gift be too small to give, nor too simple to receive, which is wrapped in thoughtfulness, and tied with love.

All of us who are concerned for peace and triumph of reason and justice must be keenly aware how small an influence reason and honest good will exert upon events in the political field.

Can we actually know the universe? My God, it's hard enough finding your way around in Chinatown.

No kind of sensation is keener and more active than that of pain; its impressions are unmistakable.

I haven't been able to slam-dunk the basketball for the past five years. Or, for the thirty-eight years before that, either.

Ever since Kant divorced reason from reality, his intellectual descendants have been diligently widening the breach.

I have been studying the traits and dispositions of the lower animals (so called) and contrasting them with the traits and dispositions of man. I find the result humiliating to me.

It is proof of a base and low mind for one to wish to think with the masses or majority, merely because the majority is the majority. Truth does not change because it is, or is not, believed by a majority of the people.

Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.

Sure I played, did you think I was born at the age of 70 sitting in a dugout trying to manage guys like you?
